Changing expectations

 

So I have not been good at blogging lately, I have not been good at anything…working, cooking, laundry, taking care of those I love.  I have barely kept my head above water.  But I keep trying.  And I guess that is the point…I keep going, no matter the weather (speaking of my bodily ills).

This week I may have been trying too hard.  I planned to cook dinner in a half hour space between commuting home from work, and teaching a voice lesson at a studio 5 minutes away from home.  I just wanted to help out and make my husband dinner for once…I tend to leave him to cheese tortillas and cereal, and I wanted to try harder….that was the goal.  But when all was said and done, he was upset that I had pushed to get it all done.  Now that I look at it, I am not sure why it became so imperative for me to get dinner done in less than 30 minutes.  He reminded me that it was not a requirement for me to cook dinner every night…he does not expect it.  But I wish that I could.

It was like I had a vendetta against my body that night. I was going to do what I felt I needed to do, regardless of how I felt, or the fact that I had no real time. KD truly understands extent of my pain, better than I do, especially at the end of the day.  He is always patient with me, and content to do the things he needs to do to help me be at my best for work.

I just wish that work was not the only thing I did well.  I manage to work a normal week and considering my chronic pain this is amazing; I know so many people who cannot even work part-time…I am a lucky girl.  However, what upsets me is that the minute I arrive home, most nights, I am done for the day.  I have no energy to even wash my face  before bed, let alone do chores, or other things that I might want to do.  But I must be thankful that I can hold down a full time job and bring in an income for my family. I am very grateful for this.

So despite my complaints about my seemingly abbreviated life, my determination is to be as positive as I can about all of it! But also I need to set realistic expectations for myself, and not push it when I know I should not.   The chronic overachiever that I am needs to back off.

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2 thoughts on “Changing expectations

  1. Boy did I relate to your last post. I have FM and although my chronic pain is a drag, it’s the fatigue that keeps me from holding down a job. I did what you’re doing now for years as a high school teacher, somehow managing to work all day, but then finding it difficult to even drive home. Weekends and breaks were for recuperation. I can’t work now, but I’m learning acceptance, which I think is key with chronic illness. Thanks! Found you through She Writes and hope you visit my brand new blog and follow it (though it has nothing to do with my illness) at http://alifeinartstellaadler.wordpress.com/.

    • Wow,thanks for reading and taking time to comment here. I come back to infrequently to even write sometimes. And I feel like I have no right to call myself a writer sometimes. I have FM too, with the headaches, and all the little aches and pains that come along with Fibromyalgia. I taught school for 3 years after the constant headache started, and I wonder how I even managed it.

      Now I am leasing apartments; stressful in many ways, but I can leave it behind. What I still hate is that I basically work and sleep. It’s not a real life, but it’s all I can do. I searched for the blog you listed but it looks like its gone, but I think I found the one under your name. I will check it out! Again, thanks for taking time to comment. It encourages me to write, and I NEED to write. Have a pain free and peaceful day.

      AnnaBeth

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