life feels so far away…

…from what I expected it to be like right now. I am only 33, but I expected to be singing and performing all over the world by now. That idea has been put on a serious hold for now. I try not to think about it, because when I do I get really upset and crazy. Physically, I am limited. Writing is the only thing I can do now that I do love. But not being able to sing and perform is really killing me.

A few months ago I popped on my ipod…I forget to listen to music within the chaos of each day; keeping up with work, and making it home and remembering I need to eat. Anyway, on this night I put on Corteo, a Cirque du Soleil show I really like, and started listening . I remembered how badly I still want to audition for a singing role in a Cirque show. I have just never gotten around to it.

So I glance at the website and see about new job postings for Cirque, and read the current audition notice. One phrase cut me up into little, awful, disappointed pieces; must be in good physical condition. I cried right then…realizing that for now, I really can’t even hope to audition. I guess I could try and I could fake it, and try to make it work….an audition really never hurt anyone. But now I have no choice but to live in this body, and deal with it. A Cirque du Soleil audition is probably not in my future, currently, and that really hurts deep deep within me.

I feel so distant from the life I intended to live. I know plans and expectations and lives change. And that is the nature of existence. But this burning desire to sing will consume me…will eat me alive, and someday I will not even recognize myself, I think.

I must find a way to sing, to do it…to perform and to create. I will go mad without it, I think. I get together with a friend every few weeks to work on her music. She writes lyrics and tunes, and I bring it together with the piano. I do it with her, why can’t I write and sing myself.

“Tis a puzzlement”, to quote the king, in the movie musical King and I. I will mull this over a bit more, and hopefully I will find a way to make singing an important part of my everyday living, despite my current state of health and the pain I exist with. I will find a way.